An email from my kids' school's assistant director

For all the moms and dads out there!
This letter is for you!
Happy Holidays!


Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year.
I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand,
visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon,
on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles,
and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs
that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have)
and arms
that don't hurt or flap in the breeze;
but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year
I'd like fingerprint resistant windows
and a radio
that only plays adult music;
a television
that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals;
and a refrigerator
with a secret compartment behind the crisper
where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll
that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with
two kids
who don't fight
and three pairs of jeans
that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks
chanting "Don't eat in the living room"
and "Take your hands off your sister,"
because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range
and can only be heard by the dog.
If it's too late to find any of these products,
I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning,
or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature
without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season.
Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?
It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children
to help around the house without demanding payment as if
they were the bosses of
an organized crime family.

Well, Santa,
the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and
my son saw my feet under the laundry room door.
I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and
come in and dry off so you don't catch a cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table but
don't eat too many or
leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always, MOM...!

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests
if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.