I didn't know what got into me

Friday afternoon, when i went to pick up the kids, i had some shopping plans in mind. Then, Yaya refused to go with me again. I went to get Peter first. When we came back into her classroom, she was still doing her art projects with her pals. "No, I am not done yet.." There we were, waiting again. After two or more times of reminding her, I guess i was getting irritated. "One more minute, then mommy will go without you..""No, I am not done yet.." At last, she agreed to go with us, but unhappy. Outside the classroom, she was still complaining. Then, outside the gate, she said to me"mommy, I need to use the bathroom" I must have been very annoyed by her and did not use a normal voice, but entered the access code anyway for her and let her go in the daycare by herself. Then next thing i heard, was she crying in the hallway and one of the teachers was comforting her"here, mommy is right outside of the gate.." When i questioned her why she cried but not went to the bathroom, her reply was that she forgot where the bathroom was... Anyway, everything added up and i knew that i was very upset. Then once in the car, I could hear that Yaya was weeping on her seat. That worsen the situation. When we finally arrived home(sure i gave up my plan to take them going shopping with me), despite the fact that i had been telling myself not to make a big deal out of all that had happend, it exploded anyway. I actually spanked the little girl using my palm on her butt three times. She became suddenly quiet and i suddenly was shocked by myself. Why did i do that? I have no idea. For four year with her, i cannot say that i haven't had any moment that i was very upset about her, but seldom did i lose control of myself except once when she was around 2. But ever since then, I never, ever put a finger on her again. I have wanted all the way along to be the loving mom, I wanted my kids to know that I love them no matter what. But...

When the kids finally went down for the day, i talked to Lei about my tough evening with Yaya. Lei agreed that i must have somehow let my own frustrations during the day, maybe still unable really let go of the earlier timing-out event out to my poor little girl.

This morning, yaya told me on the way to school that she would go home with me as soon as i go to pick her up in the afternoon. Even though i told her she does not have to do that, i found her waiting for me at the window when i drove into the parking lot. Afterwards, she was very cooperative in helping me getting stuff ready and heading home. It bugged me even worse in my mind that the rude way i punished my little in that way, she must have been really scared. Honestly I hope she can go back to herself.. Sorry, Yaya.