I wanted to cry, and i cried...

Yaya was still not happy at school on Friday. I went to pick her up around 2pm, since my boss went out of town. We went shopping. I wanted to give her sometime alone with me. I was told again by the teacher that she cried on and off in the morning, simply "missing mommy". It is not clear to me whether that is the real reason, which i might never know---anyway, all i can do and all i did were to do what i can do to cheer her up. She was very happy in the store and required to get Peter picked up before we heading home. So, seems not jealous of Peter for keeping mommy occupied most of the time..

On weekends, she turned out to be a little sick. There was some conjestion in her throat. We went to the Children's museum anyway, coz i didn't want the kids to stay home for the whole weekend, i am bored with it, I guess.

Did i remember wrong or what? She seemed more clingy to me than before. I had a good rest physically, sleeped well and napped well. But, I felt annoyed by whining from both kids. The more i think i should make everything under control, the worse the real situation. At the end of the day, neither of them seemed to care how bad i already felt, they started to act cranky the same time.

I found myself rushing around the house, with an empty heart. I knew i could explore anytime upon anything. But i was trying not to do so. At last, i lost it.. on Yaya..which made me even mad about myself..

I left the house after both kids went to bed, that is the only thing i chose to do. I could feel that my heart was torn apart, i knew no one could be blamed but myself.. Why it was so hard?

Do I really love my kids? Do I really want to be a mom?

I don't know--i cried, loudly, in the car, in the dark.